Voicemail

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In this day and age, there are countless ways to connect with another person. Technology has run its course on human interaction and landed us at a strange impasse. We find ourselves in between the technology of the future, and the technology of yesterday’s future. The irritating mix of these two worlds has created a rift in the form of communication technology. One generation leaves voicemail messages, the other – despises them.

Let’s say you are out with friends. You’re probably out listening to death metal and drinking a vat of gasoline, when suddenly – mom calls. You’re so entranced by that new song called, “AGHGHHHHGH”, that you probably don’t even hear your phone ringing. What does mom do?

What she could do, is give you five or so minutes to call her back. We all check our cell phones pretty regularly – more than likely you’ll see it soon. It’s pretty common knowledge that a cell phone will automatically send an alert to the home screen, letting you know you have missed someone’s call. Right, mom? Nope. Mom doesn’t know/acknowledge this.

Another option for your mom is to send a quick text. Mom could easily, and briefly, state her reason for calling and outline the urgency of her message. Texting you after an unanswered call will ensure that no less than two alerts will be sent to your phone’s home screen. One will remind you that you have a missed call. The other is pertaining to the text message. Right, mom? Wrong. So very wrong…

What mom actually does is use one of the most despicable, disrespectful, tediously ineffective and horrifying ways to contact someone – she leaves a voicemail. Why, mom? Why would you do this to me? Say goodbye to anywhere between two to eight minutes of your life.

This psychopath seems to be perpetuating this epidemic…


The process that follows is one we all know too well. The metal-head from the example must now leave the concert, or at least where the music is being played, due to the primary flaw of the voicemail having to be HEARD. This makes the voicemail something that is practical only when quiet. Nice…

The first step to figuring out what your mother wants is entering a password. The robot woman in your phone then talks in a painfully slow manner to direct you through the rest of the process. If you currently have “unheard” messages (messages that you probably didn’t care to listen to), you must now listen to them before hearing what your mother called about.

The robot woman proceeds to tell you the date, time, phone number and length of each unheard message. This takes a good 5 minutes. Between the metal music playing nearby and this woman’s slow talking computer voice – you are nearing full-out rage mode.

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Once you finally get to the message at hand, you become filled with the anger of a thousand Hulks. Your mother’s message was simply, “give me a call back.” This could have been done through a text message certainly, or even better – allowing the alert from my cell phone to do its job after I don’t pick up. This is some sick stuff mom is putting you through.

Solution?

1. Block mom’s number

This is harsh. It probably won’t help child/mom relations, but it gets the job done.

2. Blow up your mom’s voicemail when she is not picking up

Give mom a taste of her own medicine while proving your point. See how annoying this is mom? She will most likely find it sweet you wanted to talk and it will backfire – expect future voicmail blasts.

3. Discuss communication etiquette for the 21st century with mom

Most moms just don’t know what is considered painful regarding cellular phone etiquette. Give mom the 4-1-1 before you do something you’ll regret and have mom calling 9-1-1.

The truth is, there is no place for voicemail in this world. A campaign to end this cell phone function would serve the human race positively. If you miss the sound of someone’s voice gracing your ears, call them – or actually go see them in person like a neanderthal.



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