Vegan Jerky



We’re alarmed by a very disturbing new trend. People are making “vegan jerky.” If you aren’t already suspicious about the pairing of those two words, let me enlighten you with the definitions of jerky and vegan.

definition



Jerky is a noun which means cured strips of meat. Vegan is an adjective meaning without animal products. Meat is an animal product. “Vegan jerky” is an oxymoron, contradiction, a fairy tale. Alright—whew—now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about what “vegan jerky” is REALLY made of and why it’s gross.



“Vegan jerky” is actually (usually) dried/dehydrated tofu. Less commonly, is it made of some other kind of combination of soy products. Anyway, “dried tofu” is a more accurate term and appropriate name than “vegan jerky.”

tofu1



We’re outraged at this deceptive marketing. What if a person who has never experienced delicious jerky before, has “vegan jerky?” Hey, there are some people out there who have never tried jerky before—there’s nothing wrong with being raised by hippies! Dried tofu is not even close to being as awesomely delicious as real jerky, and some may even find it to be totally impalatable—like eating cardboard or very clean dirt (not gross, just flavorless).

Thus, I am proposing several more appropriate and accurately descriptive terms for “vegan jerky.” You’re welcome.

  • Tofu Strips
  • Drofu
  • Fake Jerky
  • Dried Tofu
  • Soyky



Remember kids, jerk responsibly, especially if you’re going to eat tofu jerky.



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