Unhandicapped Parking



Everyone likes the wide open space that a “handicapped” bathroom stall provides. It’s comfortable. It’s private. It’s made for taking care of business.


In addition to its luxury spaciousness, the “handicapped” stall is the only stall with a changing table, enough room for a parent to accompany a small child who needs help and a large enough space for our plus-sized friends to have a comfortable bowel movement. It seems that all are welcome to enjoy its splendor – what an accommodating pooper!


However, unlike the “handicapped” stall, the handicapped parking space serves one purpose – it is closest to the door. It is designed to make the walk from the parking lot to the inside of the adult bookstore as short and painless as possible for those with physical disabilities.


Therefore, those that use this parking space are licensed by the state to do so. They should have undergone a medical exam – and are being given this pass to make their lives easier…


Those that use this space without a state-registered pass could easily be considered self-centered, ignorant, oily-footed, turd burglars. Example:


This is the semi-censored face of total disregard.




This is the type of person who flies down the side of the expressway past the line of cars waiting for an accident scene to be secured. This is the type of person that refuses to recycle even though their apartment complex provides a free pick-up service. This is type of person that eats the last Oreo… and puts the empty box back in the cupboard.


How do we deal with this epidemic of inconsiderateness? Let’s review the options.


We could draft and adopt some sort of official notice to be placed on perpetrators’ vehicles! However, this type of person has indicated that their ability to follow instructions is underdeveloped… they ignored the blue lines and the accompanying wheelchair man painted on the cement already.




We could jump straight to keying their cars! Then again, that’s super mean. It’s not even creative mean… it’s just mean. We can do better… Next.




In May 2011, Mayor Arturas Zuokas of Vinius, Lithuania, decided that the illegal parking situation in his city had to be dealt with dramatically. He demonstrated his frustration by smashing illegally parked cars WITH A TANK. Nothings says, “Stop being an A-hole!” like a Soviet BTR-60 destroying your car while you’re inside the Quik-E-Mart. What a badass.




The Russians seem to deal with this sort of problem in a similar way… they must win a ton of stuffed animals.



Destruction aside, this problem could surely be resolved by us taking an oath to be more thoughtful. We can all do our part to make our world a better place by being considerate of the needs of others, right?


For many, this is just not within the realm of possibilities. So, for now, perfectly healthy and able handicapped-parking-spot-users… we got beef!




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