Slow Walkers

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In the land of the free and home of the brave, people have the right to make their own decisions. As long as they don’t harm those around them – it’s all good. However, isn’t the pursuit of happiness in there somewhere? Nothing makes an average speed, or quickly-moving walker more unhappy than being stuck behind a slow walker. A foot dragging, sight seeing, sun-gazing slow walker with nothing to do, but walk slow.

To be clear, this is not a rant about those with a physical handicap or someone who is elderly. In all fairness, these are not individuals perpetuating this problem. (Old people shouldn’t have to follow any rules… they’re old!) This is completely regarding those that have no perception of others… even when they have someone hovering over their shoulder. “Let me pass, dude!”

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How does this happen? Does a slow walker wake up one day entranced, without a care in the world? Does this happen to those that lose hope? Is this a conscious decision? Is that slow-moving individual doing this on purpose!??!

Chances are – no. The slow walker is an interesting species. They are completely unaware of those looking to circumvent their slow-walking journey, and therefore choose the spot most natural to them… the direct middle of the sidewalk. In fact, they are ruining sidewalks. The best part about sidewalks is their ability to accommodate multiple lanes of traffic. The worst part is that one strategically placed slow walker can ruin their functionality.

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Those that walk as if they have actual consciousness, and a true understanding that we all die eventually, are frustrated. What can we do? What are the options to combat this evil joke played on the productive world?

Here we go.

1. Blast ‘Move’ by Ludacris


We all have smartphones. (If you don’t, just bring a boombox or a CD player – or just get a smartphone!) Hop on the ole’ YouTubes and select that timeless classic written for those who just move too slow for your fast-lane lifestyle.

2. Mimic the Perpetrators

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They are unaware of how much they are upsetting you – remember? Feel free to walk at an even slower pace. Make your point clear: “Look! I can walk like a reanimated zombie nightmare too! I just don’t because it is super annoying, and somewhat inconsiderate to those actually going somewhere.”

3. “Split the D”


If there are two slow walkers walking side-by-side – do the right thing. Split the defense! Red rover, red rover run that slow walker over! Dwayne Wade explains it best.

Now you are ready to face the slow ones. Good luck “swift walkers” – do your best to combat the evil that is slothfulness. Be ready to let the world know you can’t be stopped… or slowed down.




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