Remakes

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You know the story. A cop gets in a terrible accident, undergoes a futuristic surgery and comes out as a war-machine equipped with lasers and high-tech anti-bad-guy software. It’s ‘Robocop’.. and it’s being remade, because apparently the first three weren’t good enough – or we are just too lazy to come up with new movie plots.

(If you don’t like this movie clip – you are part of the problem. This flick is awesome.)


Why has this become a thing? It was cool when a sequel, or trilogy – or even a prequel was announced… but this is getting ridiculous. For example, ‘Superman Returns’ was the rebirth of the Superman franchise, which had already included five films. In 2006, there was a huge anticipation for the new version of this American classic.

It was released, was received okay and was immediately pushed to the backs of shelves to prepare for… you guessed it, ‘Man of Steel’ – which was released a mere six years later. What’s the rush? Can’t we wait for the last installment to be available on Netflix before we make a new one?

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“No”, says Hollywood. “No, can do.”

Along the same subject of superhero films, “Hulk” was released in 2003… it was terrible. The CGI was corny, the dialogue was bad and the storyline – just stick to the comics. However, instead of letting the Hulk rest in peace after this abomination, it was revived… less than five years later! This version delivered at the box office, but was forgotten quickly. Then guess what happened… ‘The Avengers’ was released in 2012. Guess who was totally revamped… The Hulk.

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“Can’t you tell what incredible improvements we’ve made?” …No Hollywood, no we can’t.

So why does the industry refuse to stop remaking movies we love, and attempting to revamp ones we hated? The answer: they are cash cows. Whether you as the moviegoer like it or not… you’re still going. You’re still buying tickets, popcorn and those stupid glasses that make you nauseous rather than see in 3D.

The one-time buy from millions of people is more than enough for film executives to get their cut. Merchandise, promotions and DVD sales are just the cherry on top – all to be redesigned for the next version. You can’t be caught dead in Incredible Hulk fist-gloves from the last movie! You would be laughed at!

In the next five years, over 50 remakes are scheduled to start filming or be released. Some travesties include: ‘Carrie’, ‘Robocop’, ‘All Quiet on the Western Front’, ‘Point Break’, ‘Lethal Weapon’, ‘Scarface’, ‘The Crow’ (that one hurt), ‘Child’s Play (say it ain’t so…), ‘Commando’ (NOOO!) and… (gulp) ‘The Wild Bunch’. Why is this happening?!? How can we make this stop?!

This answer is, we can’t… but you can choose to not buy tickets to see them. It seems the only way to starve this parasite of film culture is to starve it at it’s source of strength. Which is obviously rich, out-of-touch executives who want to sell you something you’ve already bought from them.

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