Movie Talkers



Summer blockbuster season is approaching! A season of exciting, high-budget action/thrillers is on its way to a theater near you. Popcorn, candy, soda, friends… oh, and this guy.


This is the guy that all moviegoers hate. He is the epitome of unrelenting selfishness. He is a movie-talker.


Warning: This clip from Scary Movie contains some adult language.



Why is this person even here? If they wanted to talk all night they could have stayed home with the poor soul who is obligated to listen to them. They could have stowed away in some empty park or apartment, and saved the rest of the theater such agony.


Does this person really not understand the intro sequence at the beginning of the show? It’s usually pretty straight forward and says something like: “Please be courteous of other moviegoers by being quiet during the film”, or, “Please turn off all electronic devices”, or even, “I will cut you with a linoleum knife!” (That last one was from a theater in a rough part of town… zero movie-talkers though.)


How do we begin to deal with this plague of inconsiderateness? How can we unite to stop this ridiculous person from ruining the experience for all others? As always, let’s break down our options.


1)     Ushers




Can we bring these people back? You know, flashlights, funny hats – bad attitude. These guys used to be in every movie theater until about 20 years ago. If somebody snuck in – they got booted. If somebody was talking – this guy personally grabbed him or her by the ear and led him or her out. I say we need to revive this old position – and get rid of the guy who literally just rips tickets in half.


2)     Throw Stuff


This doesn’t always work…(it worked on Justin Bieber) but sometimes you get lucky. First of all, popcorn doesn’t toss very well – so get some candy. Sour Patch Kids work incredibly well. Simply identify the movie-talker and let it rip. Depending on this person’s intelligence he will respond one of two ways. He will either shut his mouth, or violently react. If this person chooses the latter, he will usually create such a distraction that others will chime in with a, “shut up.”



3)     The George Costanza


Basically just freak out. May require meeting someone outside…



4)     Dose of their own medicine


If this person doesn’t recognize the hints you’ve been tossing their way (Sour Patch Kid hints…) this is a last resort. Get up, and sit right next to them. Rudely invite yourself to their conversation. Respond to whatever idiotic thing they are saying with, “yeah!” or “yeah, that sounds good!” Eventually they will get irritated enough to ask you what you are doing. Ask them if they are irritated. When they tell you yes, point to the rest of the theater and calmly say, “So are they… so shut up.”

(May require icing after person punches you in the face.)


All in all, this guy is despised. He is a retched person who should be responsible for paying for anyone’s ticket who misses a single scene due to his distractions. In the future, be aware to not be this moviegoer. This isn’t Mystery Science Theater 3000… and your jokes are most likely not very funny.



Instead, get some candy – and do the right thing.



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