Jerky at the Movies

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Everyone loves the movies. It’s the only great place to enjoy complete silence and darkness with a close friend, or relative for a solid two hours. If the film is watchable – consider yourself having a great time.

However, some moviegoer deterrents have showed their ugly heads in the form of overpriced goods within the last decade. Popcorn, which used to be a cheap snack, apparently has transformed into a scarce resource and is now being sold for close to $10 a bag. Don’t even look at the candy rack… Goobers for five bucks!? I’d rather chew the gum left on the seat from the last screening of Despicable Me II.

What can we do? They know how delicious their snacks are. Can we bring our own? The evil theater geniuses have their minions practically searching us at the door to enforce their fascist snack regime. How can moviegoers enjoy the dark, shameless gorging of snack foods for two hours without going broke?

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The answer, as always – is jerky.

Here is how to handle this horrifying example of snacking oppression.

Grab a bag of jerky. (Preferably from BOJ, but we’re not going to argue with you.) Instead of waiting to open it in the theater, break it open at home. This is a great time to breakdown the contents into smaller Ziploc bags. This way you won’t call attention to yourself, and be put into movie jail, for bringing your own food. A smart technique is to wait for the previews to start. If the lights are off – you’re good to go.

(Unless your movie megaplex has an usher right there in the theater, in which case – quickly exit 1926 and return to this century.)

Jerky makes a great movie snack. It’s hearty, and it doesn’t get butter all over your hands. (Unless you eat yours with butter… we’re not judging.) A bag of jerky will easily last you through a double feature of Lincoln, while popcorn is usually gone before pre-show movie trivia has cycled the same question for the third time… which isn’t really that long.

Plus, that nacho cheese is free at some theaters. Have you ever dipped jerky in nacho cheese? HAVE YOU?!

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Plus, jerky has far fewer calories. Even if you aren’t watching your figure, more is better. You can eat a 6 oz. bag of jerky and still have enough energy to sneak into the next showing across the hall. Your tickets were $12 – don’t feel bad.

BONUS: Here’s a tip for sneaking in your jerky to the theater. Bring a pop that is almost empty. Those bastards at the front will be so excited to tell you it has to be thrown away, they won’t even think to check the muff of your sweatshirt for meat snacks… booyah!

Good luck on your movie mission. Hold your wallet close, but your jerky closer. Don’t give up the good fight!



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