Cheap Toilet Paper

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Everyone knows the feeling.

You just sat down and took care of some quality waste management. Naturally, you reach over to grab the only tool a bathroom has to offer – toilet paper. Except this time, it’s not paper. It’s not cloth-like. It’s not even recognizable.

This material, in fact, is the world’s most delicate sandpaper. It’s so thin it is translucent. Yet, somehow, it feels as if it was woven with thorns, rusted nails and shark teeth. This material… is super cheap toilet paper.

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This scientific phenomena can be found at almost any gas station bathroom, fast food restaurant or Porta-Potty across the United States. Most of the time, however, you don’t find it. It finds you, when you least expect it… which is when you’re “cooking some beans.”

The idea of “feeding the goldfish” accompanied by this material is haunting. Unless you have an allergy to softness, or you hate your bottom.

How can those caught off guard by this horrible material live to see another… “ba-doop?” Let’s examine some options.

1. Wipes

Carrying around your own toilet paper sounds like an unpractical solution to a messy situation. That’s not the idea. Next time you’re at the store – check out the toilet paper section. See those travel-size mini boxes of wipes? Those aren’t for your face.

Wipes are a great way to battle bad butt fabric. If you’re a student, throw them in your backpack. If you’re a lady, throw them in your purse. If you’re a regular guy… just carry them around with you at all times. Problem solved.

Come to think of it, these seem more sanitary, functional and comfortable. This should be standard procedure after “giving birth to some submarines.”

This guy will help you out…


2. Folding

If sheer strength is your worry – you can always do the ole’ double ply trick. Just fold that piece of flimsy mesh until it resembles toilet paper. This should help to give you the support you need. However, it will still remain a scratchy piece of burlap sack. Bite your tongue and hope your double-up holds up to your Chipotle child.

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These options are less-than encouraging. As we all know, this is an unfair world designed to test your limits. You may not be able to end the distribution of cheap TP, but you can do your part to keep it off the streets.

When it comes to “growing a tail” – don’t settle for the cheap stuff. Your friends, family and loved-ones will appreciate the extra dimes you spent to ensure a comfortable experience while they’re “spending a penny.”



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