8 Ways to Dispose of Too Many Peeps

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Peeps are a staple of this time of year—thank you Easter! If you haven’t noticed them in grocery stores already, just wait, soon they will be EVERYWHERE. If you have a Mom, Grandma, or any family at all, you may find yourself sitting on a mountain of peeps–with all their beady little candy eyes mocking you. If you’re like me, you may get tired of simply shoveling

Scrooges

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When the holidays roll around, there are always people that say “I hate this time of year.” Good for you. You hate when everyone tries a bit harder to be more thoughtful, friendly and all-around good spirited? You can’t see through the materialistic aspects to appreciate one iota of what the season is all about? Amazing. Wonderful. Fantastic. You are a

Carolers

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“Hello. Can I help you?” “WE WISH YOU A MERRY..” “{PLEASE STOP!}” Forcing someone to awkwardly stand on their porch to hear you sing in the cold should be against the law. That is a terrible thing to do to a total stranger. Caroling began when horses pulled carriages and street lights were just candles. It may have been socially

Eggnog

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As we enter the holiday season, it’s time to evaluate what is being included in our winter traditions. It’s time to weed out the bad holiday traditions… and maybe even replace them with new ones. First thing’s first: eggnog. What the hell is it? It’s milk with eggs in it? No matter how much booze you add, it will always taste like raw batter for

Boring Parades

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Be honest. When was the last time you watched a Thanksgiving parade and said, “WOW! That was incredible! I will remember this for years to come!” Never. Because they are usually super boring, completely forgettable and downright horrible. It is something to fall back asleep to after a nice, big Thanksgiving breakfast. (You know, to stretch your stomach out

Canned Cranberry Sauce

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What is this? Is this something we are supposed to eat, or is it a decorative centerpiece? Was this designed to make Thanksgiving eaters nauseous – causing them to practice greater portion control? Ohh… it’s cranberry sauce. It’s canned cranberry sauce that refuses to take its original form, which is believed to be liquid… When did this

Improper Flag Code

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In honor of this week’s military holiday, BOJ would like to help clarify the rules of flying the US flag properly. In a world of commercialized traditions, Santa Claus on Coca Cola bottles and red, white and blue pajamas – there are few things that have been determined disrespectful to veterans, service members and American citizens. (Watching “Jersey

No Shave November Fails

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Gentlemen, let’s be honest. If you can’t grow a full beard – you know it. You’re not going to be able to grow a beautiful face-mullet just because the calendar says it’s November. You have the baby-face gene, just go with it. When you are 70 you will look 40. Celebrate that fact. Instead of embracing the silky-smooth face of a baby’s

Early Holiday Season

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The winter holiday season is a wonderful time of year. People seem to be more patient, giving and understanding. Halloween, on the other hand, is a celebration of all things creepy and spooky. The two should not overlap. It’s unfair to Thanksgiving! Nowadays, advertisers and marketing companies have figured out the equation for more purchases – put Santa on the

Smashing Jack O’ Lanterns

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Last week’s installment of “We Got Beef” touched on a sore subject for some – Halloween vandalism. While BOJ does not condone acts of vandalism, if you’re giving away toothbrushes on Halloween… you deserve the wrath of the neighborhood children. You have betrayed them. One Halloween shenanigan, however, is just downright unacceptable

Houses Without Candy

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You remember the good ole’ days. Halloween night. Your costume was immaculate, your company was… bearable… and your mission was simple – fill a pillowcase with candy. Whether you were dressed as a Ninja Turtle, or just wrapped yourself in toilet paper, candy collecting was indisputably the goal. The only possible let down of this entire evening of

Store-Bought Costumes

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That’s not a costume… that’s a t-shirt and a mask. Fall is here. Leaves are changing, people are complaining about the weather and Halloween is approaching. So, the season’s most popular question can be heard being muttered, from youngsters to adults (who are desperate for any reason to have a few beers) – “What are you going to be for

Over Cooked Meat

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Let’s be completely and utterly honest with each other. If you like your steak well-done – you’re not a steak connoisseur. It’s fine. Don’t feel bad! It’s similar to someone saying that their favorite singer is Miley Cyrus… they just haven’t heard real music yet. It’s not their fault. Just as a cigar aficionado looks

Email Scams

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So, you’re in your cage-like cubicle at work (wishing you weren’t), when suddenly you receive a strange email. It is borderline unreadable. It’s almost as if it’s been sent from a far away land. The subject reads, “URGENT: Help Us – We will pay.” The email is written in a cryptic and desperate voice; the way Princess Leia sounds in

Cheap Toilet Paper

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Everyone knows the feeling. You just sat down and took care of some quality waste management. Naturally, you reach over to grab the only tool a bathroom has to offer – toilet paper. Except this time, it’s not paper. It’s not cloth-like. It’s not even recognizable. This material, in fact, is the world’s most delicate sandpaper. It’s so

Misusing Facebook

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Most people possessing half of the skills necessary to operate Microsoft Word correctly are on Facebook. Some Facebook frequenters are as young as five-years-old – others as old as 90. Facebook doesn’t care. Everyone is welcome to join. Believe it or not, there is a wonderful way to experience the journeys of others through social media. Many analog-loving,

“Sodcasting”

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First of all, what the hell is “sodcasting?” Is this a podcast about strips of replacement grass? No. According to Urban Dictionary, Sodcasting is “the act of playing music through the speaker of a mobile phone, usually on public transport.” Regardless of where it occurs – it’s super annoying. Sodcasting is nothing new. Remember the

A Letter to Miley Cyrus

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Dear Miley, We’re writing to you to express our concern for your recent career decisions – and to ask you to make some changes. Please understand that we are just looking out for your best interests. We wish you the best of luck as you descend into a certain spiral of unavoidable doom. 1) Stop Making Music Your music used to target the young female

Fast Food Mishaps

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Most people succumb to the tantalizingly convenient amenities of a fast food chain once in a while. It’s available, it’s “fast” – and can be shame eaten in a moving vehicle. Sometimes, fast food happens to good people. It is usually this instance, in which a horrible, unforgivable mistake occurs. A mistake so awful, that it even ruins the

The Kardashians

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First of all, why are these people still in the spotlight? Didn’t these people come and go already? No, they didn’t. They are hogging their limelight with a fever that is unmatched. Especially the loud-mouthed mother of these spoiled brats and their equally-spoiled spouses. Will we ever shake this pop-culture nightmare? When will it be safe to watch TV